Hi everyone!
I'm starting something new: from now on some posts will be in English so Au Pairs from different nationalities can have access to the blog :) (Porém devo manter alguns posts que eu ache que sejam mais voltados à "comunidade brasileira" em português).
And the first topic I decided to write about is one that's been on my list for a looong time: the relationship with the host family. This topic is very broad and has many subtopics, therefore I'll focus in a few that I find most important.
1. Choosing the family
When you decide to move abroad, usually part of that choice is linked to the desire for experiencing a new culture and their customs. However it's important to find some common grounds, especially related to interests, personality and expectations of the program - you'll be living together for a year after all, so it's essential to be able to create a nice and balanced living environment.
A family who is very active and sporty probably won't get along too well with a couch potato au pair, and vice versa. A meat lover (like me! hahah) most likely won't adapt too well to a vegetarian or vegan family, as opposed to someone who already rarely eats meat. A girl who comes from a big city and likes to have many different options of different things to do every day might not feel very happy living in a village and only getting some action on her days off. A family who wants the au pair to join in on all family events will not be very happy with an au pair who'd rather spend most of her days off away. And the list goes on and on.
There's no perfect family, as there's no perfect au pair. My motto is that a good relationship is made of the qualities that you seek and the flaws that you can put up with. So make your list of priorities, see what is an absolute must (location, working hours, weekends off, real family feel etc), what are you willing to negotiate, and what is an absolute no.
That being said, it's important to be open to the new, but also know your limits and identify possible sources of problems down the road and try to avoid them.
2. Adaptation period
Okay, so you went through families profiles and letters, skyped with them and chose the one you thought would be the best match. Then you got in a plane, arrived in a different country to live in this "strangers'" house and don't know how to act.
The first few days can be very difficult: there are many emotions going on, we're trying to adapt to the new surroundings, unpack (I hate unpacking!!!!!), there's A LOT of information regarding the kids, chores, rules etc and you're trying to take it all in. Often you still feel uncomfortable in the house: you don't know where anything is, you constantly think "hmmm can I do this? Can I eat that?". The family knows that this is a turbulent time and, most often than not, they'll try to help you feel at ease and welcome at the house
I had a very smooth transition and I think part of that was due to the fact that I had already lived abroad and with a host family as well (not as an au pair, but as exchange student maaaany years ago). My host family also made me feel completely welcome from the first moment. But even then I still had my moments of insecurity, it's normal while adapting. I remember on the first day at dinner they offered me a glass of wine and I said "no". In my mind was something like "What? Drink in front of my bosses? Better not!". During the week they always asked what I wanted to drink and always included beer or wine. I was sticking to water. On Friday I finally accepted the wine (it was Friday after all!!!) and after that I would refuse it if I really didn't want to drink, but not because I was shy or anything of the sort. Down the road, I was the one grabbing a beer in the fridge and asking if my host mom/dad also wanted one hahaha This is to illustrate how things progress. At first can be very overwhelming, but no worries! You'll be adapted in no time!
In the beginning we would also do weekly "evaluations" to see how things were going. Regarding my routine with the kids, how was I adapting to the country/weather/language, they would give me feedback on what I was doing well and what could be improved, they asked if I needed help with anything etc. I think that was crucial for the adaptation process. Once things were settled, we didn't do this anymore, but always kept the communication open, of course!
If you are in doubt about something, or if the family could help you settle in in any way, talk to them! Dutch people are usually very open to listening to others, and they'll take your opinions/concerns into account.
3. Daily life
Adaptation period is over, you're now used to the routine, you know your way around the new town (or at least the way to the kids' school haha) and everything is flowing well. One of the concerns that might remain is: how to keep the line between work and time off when you LIVE in the same place you WORK? This might be the trickiest. There are many grey areas and in my opinion most (if not all) will be resolved if there's a good relationship, because then you'll be able to enjoy time with the family without thinking of it as work or an obligation.
For example, I'd be off around 18:30 and my kids would be watching some TV before going to bed. Often I'd be there hanging out in the living room with them just because I wanted to. I love my kids, so it was no effort for me to stay there: I was enjoying it. Often they would ask me to come upstairs to put them to bed. The parents would intervene and say that it was my time to relax. Most often than not I would say it was okay and go with them, because again, I liked it. But other times I would say I couldn't because I was really tired, or just so the kids would also understand a bit about that I "didn't have to".
The kids don't understand if you're working or off, they just see their loved au pair around and of course they want to spend time with you! On that point, I think it's important for the parents to help out and explain that you will not always be "available" to play with them, for example. My hosts always made the biggest effort for the kids to respect my time off, not letting them come to my room and things like that. If yours don't have that instinct and the kids are running to you at every moment, it's a good idea to talk to the parents about it.
I think it's a must to have a good balance between "family time" and alone time, for your sake and your host parents' sake as well. They also have a social life and they can't always "entertain" you. In my case, I used to stay home a lot during the week, therefore I usually had dinner with them and it was the time we could talk both about the kids/routine but also about other things, sometimes we'd watch some series together (The Good Wife, Suits..). On the weekends I was usually out the whole time, while they also had friends over for a borrel or dinner. It was a great balance that worked for everyone!
4. Solving issues
When issues arise, it's recommended that you talk to the family sooner rather than later. It's normal to be insecure about it, or thinking "Is this really something I should bring up?". Of course some reflection it's necessary: there are some smaller things that maybe you can let slide and cut your hosts some slack in order not to create an unnecessary conflict. However if it's something major, or something that might seem silly but it's REALLY bothering you, then you should definitely go ahead and discuss it with them.
In person or by text/email? In my opinion, it's always best to talk in person at first. Many au pairs don't want to because they are scared of the reaction and want to avoid the conflict, or sometimes even are worried about the language barriers and not expressing themselves well. Here are some strategies to deal with that:
It's important to always keep the agency in the loop about problems, especially the more serious ones. Even if you were able to solve it with the family, it's interesting to let the agency know about it anyway to keep the "history track". That way if it happens again down the road, it'll be easier to get the necessary support. The au pair agencies have a duty of care, meaning they have to make sure the rules of the program are being followed and that the au pair is being treated well by the family. However, they cannot help if they don't know about the problem in the first place, right?
Also, if you're worried about talking in person for not having a record of the conversation, you can kill two birds with one stone by sending an email to the agency explaining the situation and the outcome of the conversation, with your hosts in copy. That way you fulfill your duty of keeping agency informed and make what was discussed with the family more formal.
Remember that you're all adults, so the agency won't jump in at the first moment, but rather let you try to work it out yourselves. If the family won't be open to talking or solving the issue, then the agency can intervene. If you wait too long to discuss problems, it's highly likely that it'll become more and more difficult to approach the subject, besides that bottling up is never good and a silly thing can become a huge issue down the road.
5. Rematch
In the event that you have tried it all but things are really not going well with the host family, there is the option of a rematch, which is the process of looking for a new family.
After the rematch is formalized (you talked to the family and informed your Agency), then you have 4 weeks to find a new family. There will be no need for a new visa or residence permit, the au pair agency will be responsible for informing the IND about your new living situation.
Speaking of which, if you find a family from a different agency and would like to close with them, it's possible to change agencies while already in the Netherlands (as opposed to the USA, for example, where you must stay with the same agency from beginning to end). Some agencies will tell you that you MUST choose a family from them, or from partner agencies. Some will say that if you leave the agency you (or your new family) will have to pay some sort of compensation to the old family. Some will even threaten to cancel your visa in case you decide to go with another agency.
Don't worry! These threats are empty, they are just trying to coerce you. The visa is YOURS, not the agency's. It's true they are your sponsor and you need one to obtain and keep the au pair visa/residence. However if you decide to change to another agency, the new one will become your new sponsor and you get to finish your au pair year normally.
The IND has a brochure regarding the au pair program and on the FAQs you can find the following:
There is no specific rule in the Dutch Law about the notice period (the time you keep working your normal hours, getting room, board and pocket money before leaving the family), each agency can set that on their contract. At Triple C Au Pair Agency it's two weeks' notice if either you or the family asks for the rematch. If the family wants you to leave right away, they're responsible for paying your accommodation during those 2 weeks.
What about if YOU want to leave right away and not work during the notice period? Well, that's possible if the family agrees (but then they won't be responsible for paying for your accommodation) OR in very serious cases, for example if your safety is at risk.
In other jobs it's normal to give notice so the employer/employee can find a replacement/a new job, so this is no different from that.
If you do not find a family within the rematch period, the agency will inform that to the IND and your residence permit will be cancelled, meaning you have to leave the country.
The rematch process can be stressful, but so is living in a place where you're not comfortable or not being treated well. So don't be afraid to have a voice and consider the rematch if you have tried it all and see no improvement.
What about you? How is your relationship with the family - more work like or more family feel? How do you make sure you're giving each other enough space? Any other tips about dealing with issues? Fell free to share in the comments ;)
And the first topic I decided to write about is one that's been on my list for a looong time: the relationship with the host family. This topic is very broad and has many subtopics, therefore I'll focus in a few that I find most important.
1. Choosing the family
When you decide to move abroad, usually part of that choice is linked to the desire for experiencing a new culture and their customs. However it's important to find some common grounds, especially related to interests, personality and expectations of the program - you'll be living together for a year after all, so it's essential to be able to create a nice and balanced living environment.
A family who is very active and sporty probably won't get along too well with a couch potato au pair, and vice versa. A meat lover (like me! hahah) most likely won't adapt too well to a vegetarian or vegan family, as opposed to someone who already rarely eats meat. A girl who comes from a big city and likes to have many different options of different things to do every day might not feel very happy living in a village and only getting some action on her days off. A family who wants the au pair to join in on all family events will not be very happy with an au pair who'd rather spend most of her days off away. And the list goes on and on.
There's no perfect family, as there's no perfect au pair. My motto is that a good relationship is made of the qualities that you seek and the flaws that you can put up with. So make your list of priorities, see what is an absolute must (location, working hours, weekends off, real family feel etc), what are you willing to negotiate, and what is an absolute no.
That being said, it's important to be open to the new, but also know your limits and identify possible sources of problems down the road and try to avoid them.
2. Adaptation period
Okay, so you went through families profiles and letters, skyped with them and chose the one you thought would be the best match. Then you got in a plane, arrived in a different country to live in this "strangers'" house and don't know how to act.
The first few days can be very difficult: there are many emotions going on, we're trying to adapt to the new surroundings, unpack (I hate unpacking!!!!!), there's A LOT of information regarding the kids, chores, rules etc and you're trying to take it all in. Often you still feel uncomfortable in the house: you don't know where anything is, you constantly think "hmmm can I do this? Can I eat that?". The family knows that this is a turbulent time and, most often than not, they'll try to help you feel at ease and welcome at the house
I had a very smooth transition and I think part of that was due to the fact that I had already lived abroad and with a host family as well (not as an au pair, but as exchange student maaaany years ago). My host family also made me feel completely welcome from the first moment. But even then I still had my moments of insecurity, it's normal while adapting. I remember on the first day at dinner they offered me a glass of wine and I said "no". In my mind was something like "What? Drink in front of my bosses? Better not!". During the week they always asked what I wanted to drink and always included beer or wine. I was sticking to water. On Friday I finally accepted the wine (it was Friday after all!!!) and after that I would refuse it if I really didn't want to drink, but not because I was shy or anything of the sort. Down the road, I was the one grabbing a beer in the fridge and asking if my host mom/dad also wanted one hahaha This is to illustrate how things progress. At first can be very overwhelming, but no worries! You'll be adapted in no time!
In the beginning we would also do weekly "evaluations" to see how things were going. Regarding my routine with the kids, how was I adapting to the country/weather/language, they would give me feedback on what I was doing well and what could be improved, they asked if I needed help with anything etc. I think that was crucial for the adaptation process. Once things were settled, we didn't do this anymore, but always kept the communication open, of course!
If you are in doubt about something, or if the family could help you settle in in any way, talk to them! Dutch people are usually very open to listening to others, and they'll take your opinions/concerns into account.
3. Daily life
Adaptation period is over, you're now used to the routine, you know your way around the new town (or at least the way to the kids' school haha) and everything is flowing well. One of the concerns that might remain is: how to keep the line between work and time off when you LIVE in the same place you WORK? This might be the trickiest. There are many grey areas and in my opinion most (if not all) will be resolved if there's a good relationship, because then you'll be able to enjoy time with the family without thinking of it as work or an obligation.
For example, I'd be off around 18:30 and my kids would be watching some TV before going to bed. Often I'd be there hanging out in the living room with them just because I wanted to. I love my kids, so it was no effort for me to stay there: I was enjoying it. Often they would ask me to come upstairs to put them to bed. The parents would intervene and say that it was my time to relax. Most often than not I would say it was okay and go with them, because again, I liked it. But other times I would say I couldn't because I was really tired, or just so the kids would also understand a bit about that I "didn't have to".
The kids don't understand if you're working or off, they just see their loved au pair around and of course they want to spend time with you! On that point, I think it's important for the parents to help out and explain that you will not always be "available" to play with them, for example. My hosts always made the biggest effort for the kids to respect my time off, not letting them come to my room and things like that. If yours don't have that instinct and the kids are running to you at every moment, it's a good idea to talk to the parents about it.
I think it's a must to have a good balance between "family time" and alone time, for your sake and your host parents' sake as well. They also have a social life and they can't always "entertain" you. In my case, I used to stay home a lot during the week, therefore I usually had dinner with them and it was the time we could talk both about the kids/routine but also about other things, sometimes we'd watch some series together (The Good Wife, Suits..). On the weekends I was usually out the whole time, while they also had friends over for a borrel or dinner. It was a great balance that worked for everyone!
4. Solving issues
When issues arise, it's recommended that you talk to the family sooner rather than later. It's normal to be insecure about it, or thinking "Is this really something I should bring up?". Of course some reflection it's necessary: there are some smaller things that maybe you can let slide and cut your hosts some slack in order not to create an unnecessary conflict. However if it's something major, or something that might seem silly but it's REALLY bothering you, then you should definitely go ahead and discuss it with them.
In person or by text/email? In my opinion, it's always best to talk in person at first. Many au pairs don't want to because they are scared of the reaction and want to avoid the conflict, or sometimes even are worried about the language barriers and not expressing themselves well. Here are some strategies to deal with that:
- You can send a text first talking superficially about the issue and saying that you'd like to discuss further in person - that way you already gave your hosts a preview and they know what it'll be about. You won't have to "break the news" in person and maybe get a bad first reaction;
- If you're worried about forgetting something during the conversation, write down the topics you'd like to discuss, that way you can make sure you'll cover it all;
- You can also write down some keywords/arguments you might have in case you think your language skills will be affected for being in a stressful situation;
It's important to always keep the agency in the loop about problems, especially the more serious ones. Even if you were able to solve it with the family, it's interesting to let the agency know about it anyway to keep the "history track". That way if it happens again down the road, it'll be easier to get the necessary support. The au pair agencies have a duty of care, meaning they have to make sure the rules of the program are being followed and that the au pair is being treated well by the family. However, they cannot help if they don't know about the problem in the first place, right?
Also, if you're worried about talking in person for not having a record of the conversation, you can kill two birds with one stone by sending an email to the agency explaining the situation and the outcome of the conversation, with your hosts in copy. That way you fulfill your duty of keeping agency informed and make what was discussed with the family more formal.
Remember that you're all adults, so the agency won't jump in at the first moment, but rather let you try to work it out yourselves. If the family won't be open to talking or solving the issue, then the agency can intervene. If you wait too long to discuss problems, it's highly likely that it'll become more and more difficult to approach the subject, besides that bottling up is never good and a silly thing can become a huge issue down the road.
5. Rematch
In the event that you have tried it all but things are really not going well with the host family, there is the option of a rematch, which is the process of looking for a new family.
After the rematch is formalized (you talked to the family and informed your Agency), then you have 4 weeks to find a new family. There will be no need for a new visa or residence permit, the au pair agency will be responsible for informing the IND about your new living situation.
Speaking of which, if you find a family from a different agency and would like to close with them, it's possible to change agencies while already in the Netherlands (as opposed to the USA, for example, where you must stay with the same agency from beginning to end). Some agencies will tell you that you MUST choose a family from them, or from partner agencies. Some will say that if you leave the agency you (or your new family) will have to pay some sort of compensation to the old family. Some will even threaten to cancel your visa in case you decide to go with another agency.
Don't worry! These threats are empty, they are just trying to coerce you. The visa is YOURS, not the agency's. It's true they are your sponsor and you need one to obtain and keep the au pair visa/residence. However if you decide to change to another agency, the new one will become your new sponsor and you get to finish your au pair year normally.
The IND has a brochure regarding the au pair program and on the FAQs you can find the following:
I have not ‘clicked’ with my host family. Will my residence permit remain valid if I move to another host family?Your residence permit remains valid if you transfer to another host family. The same goes if you transfer to another au pair agency. Are you going to another host family? Then you and the au pair agency or cultural exchange organisation must notify the IND. If another au pair agency or cultural exchange organisation is to mediate for you, this organisation will become your new sponsor. It is important that you report this to the IND.
The organisation must, of course, be recognised as a sponsor by the IND. You must also inform your old au pair agency or cultural exchange organisation promptly about your transfer.
There is no specific rule in the Dutch Law about the notice period (the time you keep working your normal hours, getting room, board and pocket money before leaving the family), each agency can set that on their contract. At Triple C Au Pair Agency it's two weeks' notice if either you or the family asks for the rematch. If the family wants you to leave right away, they're responsible for paying your accommodation during those 2 weeks.
What about if YOU want to leave right away and not work during the notice period? Well, that's possible if the family agrees (but then they won't be responsible for paying for your accommodation) OR in very serious cases, for example if your safety is at risk.
In other jobs it's normal to give notice so the employer/employee can find a replacement/a new job, so this is no different from that.
If you do not find a family within the rematch period, the agency will inform that to the IND and your residence permit will be cancelled, meaning you have to leave the country.
The rematch process can be stressful, but so is living in a place where you're not comfortable or not being treated well. So don't be afraid to have a voice and consider the rematch if you have tried it all and see no improvement.
What about you? How is your relationship with the family - more work like or more family feel? How do you make sure you're giving each other enough space? Any other tips about dealing with issues? Fell free to share in the comments ;)
